can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
