i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
someone get that fucking seahorse.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
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