I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
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I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
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Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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