I look better un-naked...
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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