No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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