I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
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