Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
