My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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