Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
