I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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