Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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