I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Randomize
