Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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