Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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