"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
