we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
