If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
