im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
