The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
