Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Is it because I queefed?
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Randomize
