Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
