Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
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