My entire life is one complicated drinking game
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
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