My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
