I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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