Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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