Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
