census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
