My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
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