remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
