Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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