just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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