i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed