Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
People with herpes should wear stickers.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
20 People Confess What It’s Really Like To Live Under Sharia Law
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
21 Texts That Prove All the Magic Happens in Parking Lots
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?