so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
