drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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