Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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