Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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