I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
