i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
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