i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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