two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
