SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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