If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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