bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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