Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
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