I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
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