I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Randomize
