that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
