totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
