I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
