I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
