So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
