the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
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