either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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