i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Michael Bay diarrhea
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
You ruined the universe
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
