do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
