So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize