I skipped work to stalk him.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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