I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
