Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Randomize
