apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
